I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
