dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
