I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
