Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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