I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
