Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
