This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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