we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
