Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Randomize
