It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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