I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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