I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize