I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
