4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
