i don't like sucking hair
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
