Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
