im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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