we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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