im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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