woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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