Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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