I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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