She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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