I just pynch a tree in the face
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
