Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
