mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
