broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize