Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
