you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
