the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
