I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
