I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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