4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
