i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
