If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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