I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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