At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Man, jail baloney is awful.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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