just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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