i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
