I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
