I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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