I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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