i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
