I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dick very happy bro
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
