You're a womanizer and a bitch.
youre lurking in front of me
I could make wine with my vomit
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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