I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
