New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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