her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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