If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
