I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I am midnight drunk by noon
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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