Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
