The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
