Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
