Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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