remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
