I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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