i think my tv is drunk
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Is it because I queefed?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
