grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
