I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
