im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
