apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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