I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Randomize
