So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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